Jesus: Jewish Hippie or Roman Couture?

I was on an airplane today and had a very pleasant conversation with a young lady. She was studying a statistics text book, which was very suspicious - but I try not to be judgmental. Anyway, it seems that we both had the experience of attending a conservative Baptist college for one semester before realizing our mistake. The conversation brought back a flood of disturbing memories.

I remember sitting in Hermeneutics class (That's Biblical Interpretation to you and me. This particular college threw around Greek and Hebrew words like the F-bomb in a Quentin Tarantino movie.) and the professor apparently thought good Biblical interpretation included a lecture on the subject "How We Know Jesus had Short Hair." No, I'm not making this up.

The good doctor, holding up a picture of Julius Caesar, made the observation that the style of Jesus' day was the "Julian" haircut - so it was only obvious that Jesus would have looked like the Roman emporer's marble bust.

Ummmmmmmm, yeah. I'm sure Jesus and his fellow religious Jews were simply slaves to Roman fashion. I mean, the Romans were so popular with the Jewish community. You certainly get that from a conservative hermeneutical exegesis of the canon. I mean it would be preposterous, not to mention theologically liberal, to suggest that Jesus the nazarene might have taken a nazarite vow not to let a razor touch a hair on his head.

Please.

Sometimes, my fundamentalist brothers absolutely astound me with the mental gymnastics (or maybe contortions is is a better word) they have to exercise to find their man-made legalistic rules in scripture.

I Don't Think You'll Find Pat Robertson There

A friend told me last weekend about the Church Has Left the Building conference in Seattle. I love the name and spirit of the conference. I perused their blog and site. If I were able to attend, the following workshop would be on my list of musts:

How did an instrument of torture wind up in Madonna’s cleavage? Hosted by Mark Pierson, the executive director at Urban Seed, Melbourne. Worship as mission...curating worship, art as worship, worship without censorship, anything goes is worship… a workshop to explore putting it all together… no boundaries, no right ways, not for the faint hearted. Mark describes himself as a GenX-er trapped in an aging boomer body.

Somehow, [rubbing chin thoughtfully]I don't think you'll find a booth from Focus on the Family at this conference.

Technorati Tags: conference, christian, worship, workshop, church

Edifice Complex?

I recently heard about a church building a prayer tower and, [scratching head] I guess, I'm just wondering about that. The only time a tower was built in the Bible, it wasn't God's idea. In fact, if I remember correctly, He sent a not so subtle message of disapproval.

The only other prayer tower I'm familiar with was the one Oral Roberts built and locked himself in claiming God was going to kill him if people didn't send him their money (I distinctly remember that, at the time, I sent my contributions to a different cause).

Do we need to build towers to pray in when most chapels and sanctuaries sit empty all but a few hours a week? When Jesus told us to go into our closets to pray, was it implied that the closet was in a tower the church constructed specifically for the purpose? I don't know. I'm just askin'.

It seems to me the two examples I mentioned were more "edifice complex" than anything else - erected for man's glory. I'm just leaning towards believing that God cares more about building people than building towers.

Technorati Tags: prayer, tower, church
Flickr illustration courtesy of Bill Ayton

How to Name Your Suburban Mega-Church in 3 Easy Steps!

MEGA CHURCH
Originally uploaded by opheliates.

It's a dilemma. You're building the latest-greatest church in the burbs. It's got to have a cool name. Never fear, e.c. blues is here to help! First, you select a hip, eco-friendly word from list one:

LIST ONE

• Pheasant
• Aspen
• Prairie
• Timber
• Eagle
• Mountain

Next, you select a descriptive landscape word from list two:

LIST TWO

• Run
• Ridge
• Valley
• Vista
• Heights

OPTIONAL!: It's kind of hip to use just words from the first two lists, but you could go ahead and add to it. After all, more is better and you definitely want to differentiate yourself from that mega-church down the street. They're "so-yesterday," aren't they? Of course, because you don't want denominational baggage keeping people from flocking to your church, toss your denominational name and add one of the following church descriptors from list three:

LIST THREE

• Fellowship
• Community
• Group
• Gathering
• Conclave
• Campus (you really need more than one building for this one - though that large storage shed for your vehicle fleet will do. I personally like this one. It does have that intellectual sound doesn't it?)
• Assembly (watch out with this one - you could get pegged as a Pentecostal - you might try "Assemblage")

I hope that helps. My pick for today is: Aspen Heights Fellowship.

Pretty cool, huh? If you use my handy service to name your suburban mega-church, please contact me about my royalty fee. Don't worry - it's not much. Maybe just a cut from the tip jar on your lobby's coffee bar (the e.c. blues is a non-profit ministry, so you can still say it's going to charity without lying).

Technorati Tags:
mega, church, suburb, christian, evangelical
Flickr photo courtesy of opheliates.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive...

I had just finished posting this morning's groaning post with a muttered prayer of "God, help us" - and within minutes I received an e-mail from our fellow outcast, Adam from the Twin Cities, who sent me this article:

http://www.startribune.com/614/story/329305.html

Mercy Seat sounds cool...like jazz.

Thanks, Adam

Technorati Tags:
jazz, worship, church, christian, evangelical

Delivering The Message Outside the Box

One guy whose music I've been listening to a lot lately is Matisyahu. Talk about "outside the box" - you've got to respect a hassidic reggae artist. He's generating a lot of interest for that very reason. You don't put hassidic Jew and reggae artist in the same sentence on a regular basis.

It's just what I was driving at in my post last week. The reason Jesus attracted attention was that he didn't do what people expected. He took The Message out of the synagogue. He told parables. He changed the medium and people took notice - they listened.

I get so frustrated with the church getting stuck delivering The Message in the same old ways. Why are we so scared of creativity when we are made in the image of a Creator who made every snowflake different? Can't we come up with more than the liturgy, a bad drama and the occasional concert?


Technorati Tags:
matisyahu, church, evangelical, creativity

Legalism Reaches New High (temperature)

Old Thermometer
Originally uploaded by anjepani.

My good friend recently sent me an article from the Chronicle of Higher Education about Pensacola Christian College in Florida. He asked if I'd heard about it, and I had. I mean, I went to a strict Bible College, but this place takes Christian legalism to a whole new level.

When another friend of mine went to PCC for a campus visit, he was told that students could not sit in a chair that had been previously occupied by a member of the opposite sex until the chair cooled to room temperature. They were apparently afraid that the body heat absorbed by the previous occupant would stimulate the lust of the flesh.

You know, sometimes the legalistic rule only serves to promote the perversity it's trying to avoid. I mean, seriously, who would have thought of getting off on "body heat stimulated chair-hopping" before they heard the silly rule? Is this a huge issue? Do teenagers regularly run around getting their jollies by waiting for members of the opposite sex to get up from a chair so they can quickly jump on? How do I know when the chair reaches room temperature? Are students issued thermometers to check?

Whoever thought up that rule has the real perversity issues, not the poor, homone-boiling students.

One more question: Is it only the opposite sex? What if I'm tempted by homosexual body heat in chairs? Hmmmm...they probably didn't think of that. Time to amend the rule before you get accused of being too liberal in your body heat stimulated chair-hopping policies and lose alumni funding!

Technorati Tags:
legalism, christian, rules, bible college, thermometer, perversity

Boob Job of the Body of Christ

Andrew raised an excellent question with this comment to yesterday's post: "Was it really the little church that was the colon?" Well, yes, Andrew - yes, it was. You see, my home church - the mega church (from the Greek meaning "anyone who's anyone goes there") is the breast implant of the body of Christ: It's large, made of silicone and serves cosmetic purposes...but boy does it attract a lot of attention!

Thanks for mentioning the blues in your post, Andrew!

Technorati Tags:
megachurch, breast, boob, implant, church, evangelical

Preaching @ the Colon of the Body of Christ

Sunday I preached at this little community church. There were about 15-20 people there. If you take out the four mentally challenged guys from the local rehab community, the demographic was pretty much old and pudgy. The evanglical liturgy was in place (announcements, song, song, song, prayer, offering, song, scripture, sermon, song, benediction), but they sang really old choruses and a few old hymns about not using bad language. Damn, they were sure nice people though.

After the service, the old guy who invited me to preach said, "We take in all the people that no one else wants and just love 'em." He had a smile on his face and sparkle in his eye. Basically, he was saying that they were the colon on the body of Christ - the part of the body Paul talked about in Corinthians that you kind of want to hide.

After the service I drove across town to my home church. I pulled into the mega-lot jammed with so many mini-vans and SUVs that I had a hard time seeing around them to find a spot. I walked in with the crowd of well-dressed, perfect looking people, walked by the Christian Coffee bar and into the multi-million dollar sanctuary where the masses sang the latest, greatest chorus from the most recent product of contemporary Christian marketing.

I sat there for five minutes and decided to go home. I had a headache.

Technorati Tags:
christianity, evangelical, jesus, body of christ, worship

What I Learned about God from being a Smoker

I spent a year of my life as a smoker. It was wonderful. I wasn't the stereo-typical smoker who got hooked as a kid by the evil tobacco companies luring me with subliminal messages in Joe Camel ads. I smoked my first cigarette after college. For years I smoked only occasionally and socially, usually when I was out pubbing with friends. I never had the desire to do it habitually. A night of smoking over a pint or two was plenty. Then came the Great Tribulation of my life. I had bigger issues to worry about and I consciously chose smoking as an escape. I've gone back to being a social smoker and given up the daily habit, but I miss it. I can't see a group of smokers huddled outside their office in the Midwest cold without feeling a twinge of grief and loss. I know it's not politically, religiously, or socially correct to say this - but smoking was awesome. And there are great spiritual lessons I took from it.

Smoking taught me about the spiritual discipline of rest. As pious as we like to act as Evangelical Christians, it's interesting how we've lost touch with the concept of rest. I've been in churches and communities who are rabidly legalistic about the Sabbath (i.e. Mow your lawn on Sunday and you eternal salvation is in serious jeopardy). I'm not talking about this kind of legalistic b.s. Rest isn't something you do once a week - it's something we need daily. When my wife and I smoked, we would make sure we were ready a few minutes early in the mornings before work. Then we'd sit outside with our coffee and have a smoke. We'd sit - talk - sometimes we'd even pray. Every night we would finish our day with a glass of wine and a smoke. We'd talk about our day, we'd laugh together, sometimes we'd even pray. Sometimes in the middle of the day we'd break away for a few minutes together to have a smoke. Smoking became a catalyst to sit, to rest, to talk, to connect. I'd never experienced anything like it. For some reason, it's harder to find, or to make, those moments of rest without the excuse of having a smoke. Smoking taught me that I needed to rest more.

Smoking facilitates fellowship and witnessing. This is something that surprised me. Stand with another smoker and you will end up having a nice conversation. Smoking is a bridge that crosses all racial, religious, cultural, and socio-economic lines. I've met and talked to people over a cigarette that I wouldn't have otherwise given the time of day. Smoking gives you a connection with other people. That little cancer stick is an ambassador of goodwill for all who imbibe. We're always talking in the church about building relationships with non-believers as a means of being a witness. We come up with all sorts of strategies for meeting people. Heck - just walk up to a smoker and light up. It ain't that hard.

Smoking taught me the positive implications of persecution. History teaches us that Christianity flourishes in times of persecution. I'd always read that but never really understood it - until I became a smoker. Smokers are persecuted more than any other group in our American culture. People give you dirty looks and quickly usher their children away from you. Society sends you out to the elements and makes you stand on the street curb. The result is that smokers stick together. Solidarity. These are the people who have stood with me in sub-zero wind-chills. They sit with me in that little joke of a "shelter" outside O'Hare airport and take turns pushing the button for the radiant heaters when they shut off every three minutes (a sadistic persecution in and of itself) and scrounged for a match because the TSA banned lighters. My fellow smokers are brethren - they're family. Fellow smokers used to routinely approach me, "Hey buddy, can I bum a smoke?" Absolutely - here you go brother. Need a light, too? I knew I could make the same request of any smoker - anywhere - anytime and the generosity would be reciprocated. I found myself running out of smokes at Disneyworld. I went in search of one of the handful of carefully hidden "smoking sections" (in this case it was a back alley of "Britain" at Epcot). I bummed a Marlboro menthol off a wonderful older couple from Pennsylvania and had a wonderful chat with a young newlywed couple from Minneapolis.

Okay, okay, okay - I know some of you are out there with your Jr. Holy Spirit badges on ready to give me the "Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit" routine. I know, I know - and that's why I gave up the habit. I just find it funny that people are so vocal and judgmental about the health risks of smoking, but the turn around and eagerly line up with the rest of the overweight, under-exercised brethren at the church potluck for a second heapin' helping of heart attack helper. Mr. Pot meet Mr. Kettle.

St. Patricks Day & St. Brigid

I went out for a great St. Patrick's celebration last night. I was with a group of my favorite people - believers who enjoy living outside the Evangelical box. We hit a couple of different places, listening to a truly wonderful pipe and drum corp, the New Anarchy String Band playing wonderful, traditional Irish drinking songs and finishing the night with the music of the band, Immersion. What a night -great music, pints of Guinness, and the best cigar in the world - a Davidoff No. 2. To top it off, the conversation was equally as great.

I told people about this blog and my last post, to which I received high-fives and requests for the link, which was nice. One of my friends discussed his increasing love for C.S. Lewis. He shared a story he recently read in which an article boasted of C.S. Lewis' piety and temperance. J.R.R. Tolkein, a fellow inkling, took exception to the piece, relating that Lewis had, that morning at breakfast, stopped after three pints because he was cutting back for Lent.

The night brought back fond memories of a trip I made to Ireland years ago. I ran across this from St. Brigid:

I would like to have the men of Heaven
In my own house
With vats of good cheer
Laid out for them
I would like to have the three Marys
Their fame is so great
I would like people
From every corner of Heaven
I would like them to be cheerful
In their drinking
I would like to have Jesus too
Here amongst them
I would like a great lake of beer
For the King of Kings
I would like to be watching Heaven's family
Drinking it through all eternity.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Who died and made Dr. Dobson God?

Who are the real power brokers in the Evangelical culture? It's certainly not the local pastor - I was one - and no one listened to me. Denominational leaders have, long ago, lost any viable position in the cultural dialogue. I've come to the conclusion that the true power brokers are the Christian publishers and the authors they promote.

A good friend of mine recently finished his doctoral dissertation on the "Dictionary Wars" of Europe. Basically, it's about how, a few hundred years ago, different factions in the European sacred and secular communities battled to control whose dictionary would be used. The idea was that whoever controlled the language controlled the culture. Hmmmmm.

Those who control the language control the dialogue - dictate the discourse and thus influence the culture. Isn't it the Christian publishers who control the dialogue in our culture? Over the years, for example, I've watched scores of men and women who seriously idolize Dr. James Dobson. He told them what to think, what to believe and how to raise their children. They read every book and listened to his daily radio program. I would daresay that these little Christian lemmings knew the works of James Dobson better than they knew scripture. They followed wherever he would lead them - even to the picket lines and the voting booths.

And can I just rant for a moment? The man sounds like a squirrel.

And it's not just Dr. Dobson - though he is, perhaps, the ultimate example. It's really any one the publisher wants to market as the latest, greatest purveyor of truth for our culture. We hear the interview on our Christian radio station, we march out to our local Christian book store and buy the book - do the study - pass it along, then shell out a few bucks to hear the author speak at a seminar. But make no mistake - the publishers are in it to make money - and along the way they get to decide whose book we'll read - what message we'll hear - and what we're talking about in our Sunday school classes.

Just something to ponder today over your "Divinity Decaf" at the local Christian coffee house and bookstore.

The Evangelical Liturgy

So many of us Evangelicals like to wax snooty eloquence about the fact that we've left the dead liturgy of the Catholic church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church, the Orthodox church, etc. It goes like this, "When I was a child I chanted the creed, I sang the boring hymns, I did the weekly rituals. But now that I have a real relationship with Christ and go to an Evangelical church - I've put away those childish things."

Bullshit.

I've been in worship and even led worship in countless churches. Believe me - there is an Evangelical liturgy. It goes something like this:

Announcements
Worship Song #1 (A fast one to wake everybody up!)
Worship Song #2 (Another fast one 'cause we're having so much fun!)
Worship Song #3 (Slow it down - get serious - it's almost time to ask for money)
Prayer
Offering/Woship Song #4 (Something serious - we're sacrificing you know)
Scripture
Sermon
Worship Song #5

For a kicks n' grins, just add one of the following ingredients:

• Do a drama (embarrassingly thrown together, of course)
• Throw in an an extra, unplanned chorus - prove that we're open to the Spirit!
• Testimonies are nice - it gives the service that Oprah-like feel (just keep it short)
• Dust off an old hymn - throw the old folks a bone
• Focus on missions - just keep it short - we don't really care about those people in Botswana - we just want to get to our Grand Slam at Denny's and then take a nap

As humans, like to have things in control. We like to know what to expect. It's comfortable that way and I don't have to think. The Evangelical church didn't abandon liturgy - we just threw out the old and found something that was more comfortable for us. We got rid of that ugly old sweater that mom bought us long ago, but we still have a sweater we bought for ourselves and we wear it all the time because it's comfortable.

I read the Gospels and find that Jesus' teaching was revolutionary, in part, because He didn't do what everyone else did. "He isn't like all the other teachers of the law," people said. He took his message outside the temple and synagogue. He spoke in a different medium than everyone else. He got people listening because they didn't know what to expect. "What is this guy going to say next?" - "What's He going to do now?"

We could learn something from Jesus. He constantly had people on the edge of their seats. We have people comfortably lounging in our padded chairs (we're so progressive we don't have pews!) and looking at their watches.