The Church Automotive Lexicon

There is a site out there asking "What Would Jesus Drive?". It made big news back in the day when everyone in the evangelical community was required to wear those WWJD bracelets or risk facing the inquisition. Anyway, this site is not really asking a rhetorical question so much as it's preaching environmentalism. It's our "it's not easy being green" brothers (God bless 'em) out there in the protected swamplands making a pitch for us to drive more fuel efficient cars because "obeying Jesus in our transportation choices is one of the great Christian obligations and opportunities of the twenty-first century."

You know, I'm not sure what Jesus would drive (though, I'd love to see him on a Harley). Despite the guilt-trip from the WWJD folks, I'm not sure I really care. But, I do know what people are driving at my local, hometown Evangelical mega-church and what it means in our own whacky but comfortable suburban sub-culture. So, for your own benefit, I present ECB's Church Automotive Lexicon so you can identify where you fit on the evangelical church food-chain:

If you drive: Luxury Pick-ups, Luxury SUVs, Luxury Sedans, Sports Cars
It means: You're obviously blessed. You must be successful in the the marketplace and therefore, you are someone to be taken seriously. God has chosen to bless you so it's a good bet (not that we actually gamble, of course - just theoretically betting here) other Christians should emulate you and seek to be like you. The church staff will respect you and listen to you because, let's face it, you're probably a big giver. Expect to be asked to sit on the building committee when it comes time for the next phase of our multi-phase mega-church building project - or to be an elder.

If you drive: Minivans or Standard SUVs
It means: You are obedient to God's command to multilply and subdue the earth. You are a family and will be a good customer at the church coffee shop and bookstore. Veggie-tales for the minivan DVD, worship CDs and Dr. Dobson books for mom who will certainly buy a latte at the coffee shop before women's Bible study, and the latest Promise Keeper's gear for good ol' dad. What we don't get in the offering plate from this young family "just trying to get by" we'll get in profit from the "Messiah's Marketplace" downstairs. We can count on your family to help pad our precious attendance numbers, as well. You are the backbone of our church.

If you drive: Cadillac Sedan DeVille
It means: You're old but blessed - you've obviously made a nice little nest egg for yourselves. You'll be a decent giver, but we can't expect you to be around between January through May when you'll be in Arizona, Florida or Palm Springs hanging out in your condo. You've put in your time on the Trustee board, the Elder board and various committees and we can count on you for the church work day when you're in town.

If you drive: Any Buick
It means: You're old and you drive slow (probaly in the left lane). You've done okay for yourself. You may be heading to Arkansas or Texas for the Winter in your RV. You're probably a stalwart on the missions board or a pillar of the church's "golden age" community. When there's a death, you're there with cookies and covered dish for the grieving family and you'll certainly be there to make ham buns for the funeral.

If you drive: Newer Mid-size car
It means: You're an up-and-comer. You're potentially a decent giver and a strong volunteer. You obviously have something on the ball so we can probably trust you to be on a committe, teach a class, or be a deacon. If you play your cards right, get seen by the powers that be at the Jesus' Java bar, keep up with the fads of the faithful then when you can afford a full-size sedan you might even make Elder.

If you drive: Compact car
It means: You're humble, poor, young or green. We can count on you to volunteer, to give of your time out of guilt for not being able to give more money. If you're young, there's still potential there for you to move up in the world so we'll be gracious as long as you're volunteering. If you're poor, we'll be gracious because we feel sorry for you and we're required to believe those pesky Beattitudes. If you're one of those green environmentalists you're probably a liberal and a democrat and absolutely not to be trusted. We'll smile and be kind, but don't expect to sit on any committees where you could spread your leperous rhetoric.

If you drive: Standard pick-up
It means: You're a good guy. We can count on you to be there at the church work day. You might even make deacon because you can probably do mechanical, electrical or other maintenance work for the church without charge.

If you drive: Older model, Junky car
It means: (see 'compact car') The additional caviat here is that you may have fallen on hard financial times, which obviously means a sin of some kind (gambling, divorce, debt, unemployment, etc.). If we deem that you're not a believer we'll show you grace and see if a relationship with Jesus might help redeem you into blessings and a better car. If you're already a believer then you're obviously the prodigal, back-slidden into automotive pig-slop. While we may smile at you from a distance, don't expect us to talk to you or, God forbid, have a relationship of any kind.

Hope this helps. Just remember, no matter what you drive, it's important to get one of those little chrome looking fish things for the back. Pick one up at your local Mega-church bookstore after the service tomorrow.


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Flickr photo courtesy of Brandy in Indiana