Sunday, April 16, 2006

Jesus was a Ninja!?

You've read the recent accounts telling us that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married and had kids, and that Judas was really the beloved disciple whom Jesus asked to betray him. Well, hang on to your hats! There is ground breaking news traveling around the blogosphere that Jesus was a Ninja! The idea is that between the time Jesus confounded the teachers of the law in the temple at age 12 and when he began his ministry at age 30, he made a trek to Japan where he studied and learned many things:

Takeogokoro also taught Jesus ancient Japanese magic tricks and several accounts list these tricks as being able to conceal yourself, to jump high into a tree and to throw a bamboo pole into water and walk on it.

The Japanese legend goes on to explain that Jesus did not die on the cross, but in some silly Shakespearian twist of mistaken identity, it was his brother. They claim that Jesus slipped back to Japan after the whole crucifixion mix-up and retired in a quiet valley in Japan where he died.

Hmmmm. This brings to mind a couple of questions:
  1. If his brother died on the cross, then it must have been his brother that everyone saw risen from the dead. Have we been worshipping the wrong guy all this time? Dang, do I feel stupid.
  2. If Jesus knew these cool ninja tricks to conceal himself, why were the crowds always finding him? Maybe he was a bad ninja and that's why he came back to Israel.
  3. Where in Galilee did Jesus find a bamboo pole long enough to be walking on it in the middle of the Sea of Galilee?
  4. So was he really praying those nights he'd go up to a mountain? Maybe he was marauding the Capernaum countryside in black pajamas!
  5. If Jesus knew the ninja trick of jumping high in a tree, why on earth did he tell Zaccheus to come down? He could have just jumped on up to talk to the wee one.
  6. Did his parents send him to Japan at age 12? "Son, your mom and I have been talking. This whole business with you going missing in Jerusalem and making us worry for days. We've had enough! You're grounded to Japan for 18 years!"

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